As you can tell, I'm not looking forward to chemo again. (Kasey, luck to you; I know you started again yesterday.) Chemo burps, farts, bloat, emesis, bad breath; lucky me - lucky all of us!
I have a sore throat but am unsure if it's the beginning of a cold or just a side effect from all the vomiting I've committed to lately. I think I'm pretty scary looking with little to no hair in patches. Really, I've never felt less sexy, less feminine. I don't care how "wonderful" you all think my features are - I DO HAVE A MIRROR and I think I look like the host from "Tales from the Crypt".
Now there's a pretty grotesque image.
I did have my wigs thinned some more yesterday and really, Judy at Look Good, Feel Better does a wonderful job.
My friend Beth is coming next week for a few days and I'm worried that I'll be so chemo'd out I won't even talk. I've gotten quieter and quieter and have taken to just sitting and staring for long periods of time. I don't particularly like it; I feel like someone should shout out "Earth to Susan". I have decided that when all of this is over, I'm taking a two week trip to the beach somewhere. If any of you want to join me, let me know. (Girls only beach time; sorry boys - well, Jonny, you can come; you've put up with five women all on your own for years and have come out the other side quite allright.)
Love all of you, thanks for your comments and following.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
5:04 a.m.
Mom,
ReplyDeleteWe've always had to shout at you "Mom, CHECK YOUR BATTERIES" so you sitting and staring is nothing new!
Just think, you are almost done with all the radiation! Almost!
I am in for the girls trip this summer. I'll start checking out places on VRBO.
Love you,
Katie
Hi Susie! Sorry I have no idea how this whole blogging thing works but I have been reading and finally figured out how to comment! I hope everything isn't too awful and that Lauren is at least entertaining you with her search for love and her crazy optimism! Keep your head up! =)
ReplyDeleteHey - you forgot the funny chemical smell that comes out of your pores - mine smells like dirty pennies - Thanks for the shout out - I worked from home today because I got new steroids and muscle relaxers - as of 3:30 this pm I've thrown up $372 worth of meds. I should have gone to the mall - gotten a couple more cute wigs and a silk scarf to line them, then a can of spray adhesive to keep them on.
ReplyDeleteAll my best and strongest prayers and positive juju are coming your way tomorrow. Chemo blows, but so does cancer. And the best way to be a Tumor Assasin Extraordinaire is to EAT DEADLY POISON AND COME OUT SWINGING. We're like super-heroes. We take in poison and still scrub the toilet and balance the checkbook! Check us out!
Healing hug from me to you <<>>
Love Kasey
Hey Susie - here's an older rant from my caring bridge journal - deals with what you were ranting - you are not alone!
ReplyDelete"So really, I have no reason to complain, but I'm still doing it. Actually, I'm looking really hard for Cancer Complaint Central - because I have a list! I haven't found it yet, but when I do - look out! I'm still crybabying around about my hair. It's horrible, and getting worse, if you can believe it. Some hair fell out and left my scalp smooth; some hair is still falling out, so its all stingly and messy and it hurts; and some is trying to grow back in, and its all whiskery and scratchy. And there's no rhyme or reason to the pattern, so I look like one of those old "Wooly Willy" magnetic toys where you pull metal shavings over the picture guy to give him hair and a beard. Only in my case, someone is absolutely terrible at the game! I cry every time I look in the mirror and have almost stopped looking. Except when you stop looking is when you get a big smudge or dollop of food on your face and no one tells you. I tried the wig and can't get it to look right. Maybe after the holidays I'll try harder.
It seems like such an unnecessary insult to already feel so lousy, and then have to watch yourself slowly turn into a monster. Your eyelashes fall out, you get rashes and sores on your lips and in your mouth, your skin loses tone, and today I have weird boil-y blisters on my fingertips, so everytime I touch or grab something, I get a little pain. I have to wear a mushroom-hat everywhere I go and I'm always the only mushroom head in the room. I'm so sorry now for everytime I ever stared at anyone, and I promise I'll never do it again. I hate being stared at. Not enough to stop going out in public...yet...but I still hate it. Like I said, as soon as I locate the Cancer Complaint booth, I'm gonna be all over it. Especially now since my eyebrows started falling out, but my chin hairs keep growing! What is up with that?!? Good thing I'm an Avon lady - at least I know how to draw on new eyebrows.
Ok - done whining for now. It doesn't change anything, but I need to whine sometimes."
Ok - one more in the spirit of solidarity:
ReplyDelete"We left CTCA Thursday and got home a little after dinner. Friday I went in to work and started making progress toward today's audit. The folks at CTCA had told me I would be toxic for 48 hours after chemo. I finished chemo at 4:30 Wednesday, so had until 4:30 Friday to be super cautious. I warned everyone in the office to stay away from me if I passed out, and to let first responders know. Nothing happened, of course, but I play by the rules! They gave me special "barf bags" to use so no one comes into contact with my fluids in case I get sick. I did fine, though. You don't get sick until 72 hours after. Actually, the sick isn't the worst - it's the weird shooting pains - everywhere! Like little dings and twinges - and lots of sore bones and muscles. Makes it hard to sleep. The eyesight thing is weird too. Some double vision and some blurred edges. And the numb hands and feet. And the smelly skin. And the bald head - OK LOTS of stuff is bad about it. Never mind - it's ALL bad! Chemo blows."
Love, Kasey
Wow - this is some top-shelf stuff goin' on here! VERY inspirational. There's a lot of power and determination going on in this-here blog. This is no place for quitters, that's for sure. No siree, Bob. Roll up your sleeves and start swinging. Don't like it? Get the hell outta the way.
ReplyDeleteEvery day I'm more proud to call you my friend than the day before. And now - here are MORE fighters, united and strong - man, this is awesome stuff!
Bushels of moxie-fightin' love to you-all!
There is nothing wrong with spacing out. It's just a little escapism which I'm sure can be a wonderful refuge. Now is a perfect time to do a lot of soul searching. Find your center, find your core, know your power. I know you are so much stronger than you would ever believe. There must be some lessons (hard ones:() to learn from all this. I do believe in the end you will come out victorious, healthy, and more whole than ever before. I look forward to toasting smores on the beach with you wearing our spiked hair dos. Ha ha. I love you so much. And in the words of Joe Dirt, my personal hero, "Life's a garden you have to dig it." and "Keep on Keeping on."
ReplyDeleteAllison
Ok - I know I said I was done, but I found a poem my friend Robin sent me when I thought the Cisplatin - Etoposide - Radiation trilogy was going to kill me. Take it with you tomorrow and say it to yourself, over and over if necessary. It's a powerful prayer and it helped me a lot. Best thoughts and wishes as you heal your body tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteGod, make me brave for life: oh, braver than this.
Let me straighten after pain, as a tree straightens after the rain,
Shining and lovely again.
God, make me brave for life; much braver than this.
As the blown grass lifts, let me rise
From sorrow with quiet eyes,
Knowing Thy way is wise.
God, make me brave, life brings
Such blinding things.
Help me to keep my sight;
Help me to see aright
That out of dark comes light.
--Unknown
Love, Kasey
Great motivations for you today on this blog, from many who are riding along with you on this journey.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts and prayers are with you as you start the chemo on Friday.
God bless you and be at your side holding your hand.
Love to you,
Just to let you know I am thinking of you and praying that your chemo treatment today will go smoothly and better than anticipated.
ReplyDeleteKeep on whining...you have every good reason to express how you are feeling. Just tell Lauren to "whack you over the head" with a cookie sheet if the whining gets out of hand...No really, I know this will get easier and easier to tolorate as you continue the treatments.
I love you sis, and wish I could do this treatment for you today. Hang in there, you are half way through this process and before you know it, you will have these days behind you!
Love you, Susie.
Debbie
Mom,
ReplyDeleteI wanted to share a quote with you from the book I'm mailing out to you today. When I read it, I thought of you and the conversation you had with the priest at the hospital after your surgeries.
"God doesn't give anyone disease. He gives us, if we choose to use it, the spirit to live with the disease, the capacity to laugh when we hurt, and ability to struggle on when we want to give up"
Isn't that so true? God has given you the spirit to get through this-you CAN do this mom.
Just think about all us girls, sitting on the beach this summer....Allie's baby in a little baby bikini....we can all wear big floppy hats....the sound of the ocean in the background. It isn't too far away and when we are all there, we will look back on this time and you will stand a little taller and be a little bit more of a bad @$$ because YOU got through it. YOU did it.
I love you mom and wish I could be there with you to take some of the pain away and to make you feel a little bit better. I am so glad you are one of the lucky ones who gets the chance to fight cancer. Dad didn't.
I love you.
I don't get it. My wife also gets her lace wigs thinned, and I don't know why. I mean, does it look NOT natural when it's too thick? Are wigs unmanageable when they're not thinned? Well, for me, it doesn't matter because thinned or not, those wigs make my wife look more beautiful.
ReplyDelete