Double Dip Chemo Cocktail

Good morning! It's been very gray here in the Des Moines area for the past few weeks. Ice, snow, white-outs, cancelled school days for Lingle (not that she's crying about that).

I have my "long" day at the Cancer Center today; Cisplatin as well as VP-16 (Etoposide) IV drips. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a 20-minute dose of anti-nausea drug also - for a grand total of about 4 1/2 hours! Lucky me.

I don't care how old a child is; the yearning for a parent's unconditional love never ends. When I was diagnosed (last month, seems an eternity ago, seems like yesterday), I cried for my mom, my husband, someone to hold me and tell me that "everything will be all right". My significant other (yes, Larry, that would be you) is wonderful, has been a tremendous support, but I don't sleep with him at night (we each have children, are Catholic, and want to be good role models for our children). In the darkest part of the night (early morning?) when I waken, I desperately need to reach over and feel the presence of someone who loves me. I miss that. I want that. To feel a part of something bigger than me, to not be ALONE in the dark. Yes, God is there; but at times it's hard to feel Him, have faith that He is really there and that he cares. Wow! Where did that come from? I'm sitting here crying; for the people I've loved who are gone. My mom died in '72 at 39 y/o from Hodgkin's Disease , my husband in '98 at 44 years of age from metastatic malignant melanoma.

I was able to drink 7-Up, but now even that smells. Water smells bad, and has the most horrible taste. Pepsi is my drink of choice this week and, of course, I'm out.

I want to say, before signing off, that my incision has healed beyond belief. The left side of my body - under my arm, my left breast, left shoulder - is still very numb. I've read that some folks don't regain sensitivity in those areas. It feels really weird when I try to shave that armpit. I have to watch because I can't feel it. I'm almost off the pain pills (they didn't work for anything but constipating me anyway)...and only take one or two at night when the tightness under my left breast feels more like someone sawing through my torso. A bit better every day and then (magically) "one day, she arose to feel no more pain". "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true."

Later in the day, or tomorrow, I promise I will talk about the supportive, wonderful people in my life: Beth, Marie, Larry, Wells Fargo, Allie, Kate, Lauren, Jonny (aka Onny), Aisling, my wonderful brothers and sisters (Johnny, I'll have a whole post about you)...and not necessarily in that order.

Here's a picture of my incision as of 1/20/10:

January 22, 2010
5:38 a.m.

Random smells and sensations after surgery...

Two days after surgery I had a hard time sleeping, comfort being the main reason. I could only sit up, and I mean "best posture" sit up...if I slouched at all, seemed my missing lower left lobe (lung - not brain!) hurt. So I'd sit up as though Mrs. Grashedge were standing over me with her ruler to slap my slipping wrists as I played my piano lesson.

It was my misfortune to be "housed" directly across from the "nourishment room", coffee, tea, soda, ice, crackers, etc. I love to have a cup of coffee with French vanilla cream in the mornings. Not any more. The smell of the coffee would trigger my heaving and I got to closing the door to my room. I tried coffee one morning; moved it off my tray to the window sill, then down the drain in the bathroom. Water smelled bad, even the bottled water.

Seems the only thing I could tolerate was lemon Italian ice. The broths served seemed horribly salty, and once I was on solid foods, everything tasted stale or just poorly seasoned and prepared. I will say, I went into the surgery weighing 124 and came out (with less body parts, mind you) weighing 132!! How did that happen? IV drips, of course (and constipation from all the pain killers and anti-nausea drugs).

For the squeamish, don't read this paragraph...for those who like gross, join me. After EIGHT days of being fairly inactive in the hospital, drinking Milk of Magnesia, Fleet suppositories, stool softeners, water, water everywhere, I did get to go home even though I didn't have a (here it comes) BOWEL MOVEMENT. Man, was I hurting. Two more days and finally!!! I wished I were a little kid so I could grab my brothers and sisters and BRAG...because let me tell you, I had mighty fine bragging rights. There, that's all I'll say. But if anyone reading this is going through the surgery, don't worry, eventually you too will have to let loose. I must've lost 6 pounds in one FELL SWOOP.

Okay, y'all can read this paragraph. Seriously, nothing tasted good, and the smells were horrible. Cologne, smoke, incense, scented soaps...gag me. A few days after I got home, I developed a little cough. I was VERY UPSET. The surgery had "cured" the cough and here I had a bit of a cough every time I spoke...again. This cough only lasted for a few days...must've still had some fluid in my lung. Also, SNEEZING was like a mini-death. Talk about hurt....ouch! As you can read, I'm still here.

I am taking up the harmonica...that's supposed to be a great breath increaser (Alvin, Simon, and Theodore - move over).

Although I have dreams of getting sick, I haven't thrown up and still (sigh) have my appetite. I WAS TOLD I might lose up to 20 lbs., so made sure I ate to keep my weight up there...and am still at 124 (would like to be at 112 to 114), and still have all my hair.

Please, keep visualizing me with eyebrows; eyelashes would be nice too. I'm really NOT vain, just really like eyebrows!

Will talk about the cost of things later. Today was an "ice day" so no school. I canceled my radiation but will go to chemo which is right down the street.

I will let you know that my first hospital bill came in at over $48,000 (and that was not surgery, just miscellaneous hospital charges and I am assuming, charges for the room and drugs).

January 20, 2010

10:12 a.m.