Double Dip Chemo Cocktail

Good morning! It's been very gray here in the Des Moines area for the past few weeks. Ice, snow, white-outs, cancelled school days for Lingle (not that she's crying about that).

I have my "long" day at the Cancer Center today; Cisplatin as well as VP-16 (Etoposide) IV drips. I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a 20-minute dose of anti-nausea drug also - for a grand total of about 4 1/2 hours! Lucky me.

I don't care how old a child is; the yearning for a parent's unconditional love never ends. When I was diagnosed (last month, seems an eternity ago, seems like yesterday), I cried for my mom, my husband, someone to hold me and tell me that "everything will be all right". My significant other (yes, Larry, that would be you) is wonderful, has been a tremendous support, but I don't sleep with him at night (we each have children, are Catholic, and want to be good role models for our children). In the darkest part of the night (early morning?) when I waken, I desperately need to reach over and feel the presence of someone who loves me. I miss that. I want that. To feel a part of something bigger than me, to not be ALONE in the dark. Yes, God is there; but at times it's hard to feel Him, have faith that He is really there and that he cares. Wow! Where did that come from? I'm sitting here crying; for the people I've loved who are gone. My mom died in '72 at 39 y/o from Hodgkin's Disease , my husband in '98 at 44 years of age from metastatic malignant melanoma.

I was able to drink 7-Up, but now even that smells. Water smells bad, and has the most horrible taste. Pepsi is my drink of choice this week and, of course, I'm out.

I want to say, before signing off, that my incision has healed beyond belief. The left side of my body - under my arm, my left breast, left shoulder - is still very numb. I've read that some folks don't regain sensitivity in those areas. It feels really weird when I try to shave that armpit. I have to watch because I can't feel it. I'm almost off the pain pills (they didn't work for anything but constipating me anyway)...and only take one or two at night when the tightness under my left breast feels more like someone sawing through my torso. A bit better every day and then (magically) "one day, she arose to feel no more pain". "There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true."

Later in the day, or tomorrow, I promise I will talk about the supportive, wonderful people in my life: Beth, Marie, Larry, Wells Fargo, Allie, Kate, Lauren, Jonny (aka Onny), Aisling, my wonderful brothers and sisters (Johnny, I'll have a whole post about you)...and not necessarily in that order.

Here's a picture of my incision as of 1/20/10:

January 22, 2010
5:38 a.m.