Heartburn and radiation...

Wow. This is about the worst thing I've experienced. Never having much heartburn or indigestion before, this is a totally new low. Apparently after several weeks of radiation to the esophagus, it becomes inflamed and, as a man going through this told me the other day, it feels like there's a "puffer fish" about half-way down your throat. Everytime you swallow, this ol' puffer fish just blows up and causes everything to stick and then horrible burning follows. And that, folks, is why I'm going to get myself in a mess of lost weight trouble with this whole treatment. The radiation dietician told me she checks my weight weekly and, so far, so good. I've stayed 124 lbs. (fully clothed with BOOTS on) for the past two weeks. I was about that on my scale, but now I'm under 120. She threatened me with a feeding tube if I don't take on as many calories as I should. No way would I get a feeding tube. Yuck. A girl when I worked at school has one. Dirty looking things. Since I can refuse a feeding tube, she said they'd put me in the hospital. (I really don't think they can do that either without my consent. ha ha) So I will try to eat Jello, popsicles, mashed potatoes (they too give me heartburn) and anything else I can keep down.

This past week I had "break through" nausea (i.e. where the anti-nausea pills just didn't cut it anymore) and actually got sick. I guess I got sick while in the hospital due to an allergic reaction to some of the pain meds (no morphine for me!) I will admit to feeling a tad bit easier after throwing up. Lasted for about an hour before that hot feeling came back in my throat and my stomach knotted up. Have to admit I just laid my head on the counter, cried for about 2 minutes...then started pounding the counter with my hand, damn it...damn it....damn it. Yep, that would be me, cursing and crying and feeling sorry for myself until I laughed at myself for thinking that will help. It did help though. I got those negative feelings out of me and onto the counter. Thank God I didn't beat my counter with a cookie sheet.

One time when I was just going through one of my black Irish moods because the Spritz cookies wouldn't come out of my new Spritz maker and do I love Sprtiz Christmas cookies- oh this must've been about 15 years ago - I grabbed up my cookie sheet and beat the hell out of it against the counter. Yes, Virginia, I had to throw it away, along with the metal Spritz tool (which I pretty much beat up at that same time.) Did I feel better after killing the cookie sheet and the Spritz maker? No, I felt pretty stupid...would I do it again. Probably. I can certainly see me losing it from time to time. My nature. I would certainly hate to grow up all the way and be calm and certain and passive!

Anyway, while I have heartburn, esophagitus, whatever it is, I am not feeling so nauseous and won't until I go back for chemo in another two weeks. Yes! No chemo until the 12th of February!

Saturday, January 30, 2010
6:55 a.m.