If so, I'm going to have to eat my words, or watch them wash down the shower drain. Ohhh! How traumatic losing big clumps of hair. And the weird thing is, you can't even tell (yet) how much I've lost. I must have more hair to start with than ever I thought. I did go back to Sahar's and have them give me a boy cut. Now, when I comb through my hair after showering, I don't cry at the clumps. Long clumps are scary, short clumps - not so bad. Or could it be that I've accepted that I'll lose my hair? A little of both. I'll post a pic of my new hair cut once I get Lauren to take a picture.
On the "how do I feel" front. Simple: not so good. Very fatigued, nauseous, no motivation...and sitting up on the edge of my bed in the morning is exhausting enough that I have to SIT for about 10 more minutes before I manage to haul myself to the bathroom. Now that I've gotten this FINE NEW haircut, I look like a rooster when I wake up. Everything on my head is sticking out at right angles (at least there's enough to stick out). I do know that the days are numbered for my hair because it hurts...you know that hurt...like when you wear a pony tail too tight and you take the band out and your hair hurts. That kind of hurt, without the pony tail. Enough of my hair.
Sorry I haven't posted. I haven't been able to make myself walk down the stairs and log on. I felt better yesterday and feel okay today. Just really tired. Really, really tired.
Dr. T. (radiation oncologist) told me what I'm feeling is normal. All the vomitting is normal - the smells and tastes are normal. Next Monday I'll be at the 1/2 mark...(I thought I was there on Weds. but Dr. T. assured me that 6 weeks is not really 30 days, it's 33 days) and I can "coast downhill" until the first part of March; then I'll start feeling good again. I am really ready for that.
Am dropping weight so bought Ensure. (Yuck) I'll never be a spokesperson for that. I think I'll stick with chocolate icecream shakes. If there are too many preservatives in things, I can smell/taste them and get sick.
Am not in the mood to chronicle how crappy I've felt the past week (and I'll only get worse!!!!) I would like to be more positive and believe that this is the worst I'll feel, but knowing I have more chemo starting on the 12th and radiation every day makes me a realist and not a Pollyanna. I did head back to the acupuncturist and confided in him my phobia of needles. Bill told me just to let him know and he'll use as few needles as possible to still do the most good; but I MUST come and it will help. I want to believe him so I will.
One last note. When I walked out of treatment on Tuesday, I saw my ex-roommate. We lived together for about 4 years before I married. She was in with her husband. Weird. AND, I've found my support group in the radiation lounge. Two are care-givers, two of us have cancer. We share, laugh, cry a bit, and encourage. That's all I need.
Promising the next bit will be a better read.
February 5, 2010
5:37 a.m.
Friday, February 5, 2010
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Susie,
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else reading your updates, it hurts to see someone so special being forced to endure what you're having to go thru. We're all learning the hard way that there is no "fair" in life. And placating may have value, but it's only superficial and lasts a short time before losing it's strength.
In other words, it's hurting to see you hurt. BUT - we all smile when we see (or hear) you smile!
Though I'm not a psychiatrist (simply the son of one), I DO know the awesome power of the mind, and how keeping, maintaining, and strengthening the positives (regardless of how small) can overcome almost any challenge.
I wish there was a huge wheel that could be spun, with all who are following's names on it, and we'd each take turns taking the pain from you (so do you, probably!) But just as important, we'd also take the feeling of "dejection" from you, too. Because everyone reading your posts would sign their names in a heartbeat.
I wish I could give you the spirit and energy we've all come to know and admire you for having. I guess the only way I can do that is to keep encouraging you, not unlike the cheering fans beside the marathon runner, getting encouragement to force themselves to make it thru "the invisible wall". Sheer will and determination - two traits you likely don't even know you have, yet exude with every post.
There's obviously pain in your posts (though noble efforts to hide/disguise it), but there's also strength seen to get thru the pain, and that's what we (or at least I) root for: your teeth-gritting spunk.
Well, like my last few posts, I've rambled here, but want - and need - you to know we're all here for one reason, and one reason only - to cheer you on and see you back, on top of your game!
Love,
MM
(this may be posted twice - when I initially commented, I got a message that said how it had to be "approved", though I don't know by who! So I'm posting it again - twice is better than none)
ReplyDeleteSusie,
Like everyone else reading your updates, it hurts to see someone so special being forced to endure what you're having to go thru. We're all learning the hard way that there is no "fair" in life. And placating may have value, but it's only superficial and lasts a short time before losing it's strength.
In other words, it's hurting to see you hurt. BUT - we all smile when we see (or hear) you smile!
Though I'm not a psychiatrist (simply the son of one), I DO know the awesome power of the mind, and how keeping, maintaining, and strengthening the positives (regardless of how small) can overcome almost any challenge.
I wish there was a huge wheel that could be spun, with all who are following's names on it, and we'd each take turns taking the pain from you (so do you, probably!) But just as important, we'd also take the feeling of "dejection" from you, too. Because everyone reading your posts would sign their names in a heartbeat.
I wish I could give you the spirit and energy we've all come to know and admire you for having. I guess the only way I can do that is to keep encouraging you, not unlike the cheering fans beside the marathon runner, getting encouragement to force themselves to make it thru "the invisible wall". Sheer will and determination - two traits you likely don't even know you have, yet exude with every post.
There's obviously pain in your posts (though noble efforts to hide/disguise it), but there's also strength seen to get thru the pain, and that's what we (or at least I) root for: your teeth-gritting spunk.
Well, like my last few posts, I've rambled here, but want - and need - you to know we're all here for one reason, and one reason only - to cheer you on and see you back, on top of your game!
Love,
MM
Susie - If I have to go through this with someone wonderful, I'm glad I met you. I don't care how late I'm going to be for work or my next appointment but this week meeting you and your daughter has been such an inspiration to me. After only a week, I feel like I've known you for a life time. I wish we could have met under different circumstances but if this is where God put us, know that I'm praying for you too! See ya bright and early on Monday sweetie! Cathy Hull
ReplyDeleteHi Susie - nice blog - I'm kind of in the same boat - I'm 46, healthy otherwise, had a nagging cough and they found a IIIb adenocarcinoma - not operable so you're way ahead of me - be grateful! I did the cisplatin / etoposide diet in September - had 22 doses of radiation. Mine didn't work so well, so I changed chemos in November. Most recent scans show shrinkage of the 2 tumors I've been cultivating, so the new one is working better. I'm in Indiana, so we're almost neighbors. And I'm with you - it's hard to find a lung cancer blog where the author is still kicking around. I've been unpleasantly surprised time after time. Hopefully you and I will both change that pattern. Have a great weekend. I put your next chemo (12th) on my prayer list - mine's the 10th, so feel free to send good thoughts my way while I'm getting mine. Have a great weekend! Kaysey
ReplyDeleteMom,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to get in and get your hair cut shorter. That will make it so much easier. I'm so proud of you for being so brave and strong. Compared to raising us bratty kids (and all those foster kids) this should be like a walk in the park for you!
I LOVE YOU
Mama-
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better my hair sticks up like a roosters every morning when I wake up and I too am much too tired to get out of bed. Unlike you I have gained 25 Lbs. and need to carry my belly around in a wheelbarrow. I've called a few times and don't hear back, I'm assuming you must be pretty tired. Know I love you and think about you all the time. I can't wait to see you soon. xoxo
Allison
Hi Susie:
ReplyDeleteYou should write a novel, you are an amazing writer. It's so hard to know what to say or do, having had no experience close hand with cancer. I just want you to know that my heart and prayers go out to you. I like Mark, wish that we could take some of the pain and nausia a way for you. I would put my name on that wheel. We love you and send all the encouragement we can muster.
Mike and Nancy
Susie,
ReplyDeleteI've said it before, you are beautiful. It is not your hair that makes you beautiful. I can't wait to see your new picture, because short hair, or no hair, I know you will be gorgeous. Hang in there on the fatigue. You have always been such a busy body, I think you are just mad you can't do everything. You should be taking advantage of this time, be pampered, and let everyone who can help you. Wish I was closer, so I could do more for you. I love you Susie1 Love Stephanie